TED: Kids, Barney and Robin's wedding...
...turned out to be a life-changing weekend for all of us.
- Well, not just us. - One ticket to Farhampton, please.
But I'll get to that.
[HORN HONKS]
- Who are you honking at? - You. You're going 40 in a 65.
Pick it up, Grandma!
Look, I'm happy to rock it up into the 50s, but I'm gonna need a hand...
...or two. - Oh, no, not the driving gloves.
In 99.9 percent of highway accidents, the driver was not wearing gloves.
Because they're stupid. They don't help you drive better.
That's why no one wears them.
Then why is it called the "glove compartment"?
I'm not having this argument again.
Now as you know, a Mosby Road Trip is not only safe, but informative!
Chiggedy-check it!
Manhattan To Farhampton: Lil and Ted's Excellent Adventure.
That baby's stuffed with fun facts about our unsung neighbor to the east...
...Long Island. For instance, just up ahead: The historic childhood home...
...of Florian van Otterloop...
...the Dutch buckle-smith who revolutionized the belt industry.
- Fun story about that colorblind genius... - Please stop!
I was gonna slow down for pictures, but that enthusiasm can't go unrewarded.
[TURN SIGNAL CLICKING]
Ripped By mstoll
[CELL PHONE CHIMES]
Aw... Look at my little cousins in their flower-girl dresses.
- Aw, they'll look so cute next to the ring bear. - Yeah.
Wait, you said ring bearer, right?
- Ring bear. - Ring bearer.
- Ring bear. - Are you planning some crazy stunt...
...with a dangerous wild animal at our wedding because...
[CELL PHONE CHIMES]
Oh, boy, my brother wants to know what time he goes on at the reception.
What does that mean?
Every wedding he attends, James insists on performing.
[SINGING] Islands in the stream
That is what we are
No one in between
So? What do you got against K-Rodge? Everybody loves "The Gambler."
Wait for it.
How can we be wrong?
Sail away with me
To another world
And we rely on each other Uh-huh
That is nothing. I have invited Scherbatskys from all over Canada...
...and they are Canuckin' nuts. Like my cousin Ruth, from the Yukon.
I don't like to encourage Canadian stereotypes...
...but that woman practically rides a moose! Ha, ha.
- Does she actually ride a moose? - Yeah.
And I'm worried she'll bring it to the wedding.
She and the moose are very close.
Whoa.
Every wedding's got a wild card, but we've invited a whole set.
Someone is gonna ruin this wedding.
It's just a question of who.
I'm gonna ruin this wedding. My wife is gonna kill me.
CAPTAIN [OVER PA]: Flight attendants, prepare for departure.
We were gonna move to Italy for her dream job...
...so I brought my son here to Minnesota to see my mom before we left.
And then I got offered a job as a judge in New York City...
...which is my dream.
- But that would destroy her dream. - You are destroying a lot of dreams now.
[CELL PHONE CHIMES]
[CHUCKLES]
Wait. If I got this...
[CELL PHONE CHIMES]
- Aren't you gonna check that? - No.
It's just another obnoxious update from Marshall's mom.
She's been posting these "cute" baby pics of Marvin...
...but it's all just propaganda. First, it was "Don't move to Italy."
Followed by an extremely subtle guilt trip.
And then, randomly preachy.
No, not looking. It's just gonna piss me off.
Why are we exiting again?
Turn your binder to the section labeled "Mennonite Windmills"...
Get back on the expressway, now.
The expressway's for gloveless amateurs.
I'm done. There's a train station coming up. Drop me off.
But some train's not gonna stop at the 40-foot tall butter churn in Ronkonkoma!
Yes, but unlike any of your 18th-century stops...
...at least the train will have a 21st-century toilet!
- You're a 21st-century toilet! - Train, now!
Fine!
Okay, so far, I've got 12 wild cards, not counting the ring bear.
- Ring bearer. - Oh, oh. Here's another one.
You know how I found out I'm one-quarter Canadian, but blocked that out...
...because your nation's ridiculous? - Sure.
Turns out I have a crazy cousin Mitch on that side of the family.
That's funny, I have a crazy cousin Mitch. But I guarantee he's crazier than yours.
He built his own house from timber he chopped down from other people's houses.
That's funny, my cousin Mitch is a lumberjack.
Except mine has six fingers.
- On one hand or total? - Total.
- Are truckers always beating him up? - Yes, because...
[IN UNISON] He has to hitchhike with his middle finger!
Wait.
Is it possible that we're...
Could we be...
[CHITTERS THEN GULPS]
Ranjit, be a dear and pull over for a second?
Pulling over!
[BOTH VOMIT]
All right, train. Let's show your critics you're not just a dumpster on wheels...
...full of drunk idiots!
CONDUCTOR [OVER PA]: We're being held at this station until further notice.
I gotta sober up.
Eriksen residence, Judy speaking.
- Why did you post that judge photo? - Because I'm guilty...
...of being one proud mama!
Lily doesn't know that I took the job, so if she sees it, I'm dead! Just take it down.
Fine, let me just get on the online so I can Internet.
I love the lingo!
[DIAL-UP MODEM BLEEPING]
Just click on the photo on your wall...
...and then under "Menu," click on "Options."
Some kind of advertisement popped on.
Oh, my.
That appears to be pornography.
Just click on "Options."
[WHISPERS] It's men with other men.
Just click on "Options."
- Excuse me. Are there any other seats left? - No.
I've been going to Pilates, I can just hang on to the landing gear.
- Sorry, ma'am. - I only signed up for Pilates.
I haven't actually started going yet.
I didn't sign up.
LILY: No, I'm not looking.
I don't need to see my child used against me.
My sweet, beautiful child...
...who I haven't seen in a week.
Whose head smells like love and unicorn teardrops and why are trains so lonely?
- Damn it, I'm looking. THE MOTHER: Hey, are you okay?
You look stressed. Plus, you muttered a few words out loud.
I heard "lonely" and "unicorn."
Which actually gave me a great idea for a children's book, so thank you.
- Are you okay? - No.
- But there's nothing you can do... - Want a cookie?
- Yes. Yes, I do. - Wow.
You took a cookie from a complete stranger on a train. I like how trusting you are.
- There could be drugs or poison in there. - There's not, is there?
No idea, I found them under my seat.
Kidding! Sorry. You looked stressed so I thought you could use a cookie.
Then I thought you could use a joke, should've stopped at the cookie.
You know, I don't care if these are poisoned.
There's chocolate and peanut butter and caramel in these sumbitches!
- I call them "Sumbitches!" - Ha-ha-ha.
TED: And that's how Lily met your mother.
Are Cousin Mitch and I directly related?
No, Mom, I'm asking is Cousin Mitch a blood relative?
Not asking about Cousin Pete. I'm asking about Cousin Robin.
- Mitch! Cousin Mitch! - Find out from Uncle Frank. Call me back.
Well, then go visit Cousin Cecil at his sky-diving school and ask him.
Oh, God, he did?
I guess that can happen no matter how experienced you are. I'm so sorry.
[SIGHS]
My cousin Cecil got fired.
Oh.
- That's a relief. - He was so distraught...
...he jumped off a bridge. He's dead.
Um, I'm so sorry for your loss.
It may be our loss.
Just click on "Options."
All I see is a man holding a bratwurst!
- Oh. No, the pornography's back. - I said, please turn off all electronic devices.
Oh. Ha-ha-ha.
This isn't an electronic device, this is actually a toy.
For my son.
- We call it "Phone-y." - Hm. I call you phony.
We can't take off till you hang up.
Okay, enough. Give me that phone.
- Just click on "Options." - I don't see it!
- I said, give me the phone. - Just click on "Options."
- Stop yelling at me! - Just click on "Options."
- Give me the phone! - Click on "Options."
Click on... I have a baby!
Please, I have to get to New York.
Should have thought about that before you attacked me.
All right, boys, you got this? Good. Let's get this bird in the air.
You're both banned from this flight.
So I was driving with my friend, who thinks he's the road-trip master.
He has leather driving gloves.
Who wears those?
Huge dorks. That's who.
TED: Your mother was lying. She had her own pair.
And he always makes us stop to see some weird roadside attraction...
...no one except him gives a crap about.
Nerd alert!
Kids, you remember the seven-hour detour on our trip to Disney World...
...so your mother didn't miss that goat in South Carolina...
...who could blow smoke rings.
And he won't go one mile an hour over the speed limit.
That would drive me crazy.
I would give him a humiliating nickname until he stopped driving like a little girl.
It was Lady Tedwina Slowsby. And it worked.
Look, if it's true, if we are...
...you know... It's really not that big a deal.
We know we won't have kids.
Even if we did, King Joffrey's parents were brother and sister...
...and he was a fair and wise leader! - No one ever needs to know but us.
- Exactly. - I know.
BARNEY: We might have to... ROBIN: Take care of Ranjit.
BARNEY: Hey, you just finished my... ROBIN: Creepy telepathic murder thought!
Aw... It must be a soul-mate thing!
BARNEY: Unless it's a weird cousin thing.
So we'll be good either way, right? Honey?
That's right, sweetie.
Now get over here, you.
Gah. Just try and stop me!
BARNEY: Oh. Ooh. Mm, mm, mm. ROBIN: Mm. Mm.
Well, I can't wait till tonight. I have got some naughty things planned.
Well, you've certainly piqued my incest... Interest! Interest!
[BARNEY SIGHS]
I still can't believe he dragged me to the childhood home...
...of some stupid buckle-smith no one's ever even heard of.
- Who cares about Florian van Otterloop? - I never told you his name.
Sumbitch?
I mean, why'd he have to act that way?
He knows I hate how he gets on road trips.
It almost seems like he wanted you to storm off.
But we're going to the same place. There's no reason why he'd want to ditch me.
TED: Suddenly, Lily remembered a week ago...
...I'd helped Robin look for her long-lost locket, but it was gone.
Then Lily told me the locket actually got stashed in my pencil box...
...but when I opened it, the locket wasn't there.
Good, because that locket's trouble.
How? It's a friendly, innocent wedding gift.
It's not innocent. Ted, you think if you can get that locket for Robin...
...you'll win her back. - Lily, I've let it go.
- I mean... - What?
There's a one-percent chance Stella has the locket...
...from when we lived together. - You didn't call the woman...
...who left you at the altar so you could find that locket!
Of course not! I e-mailed her.
- Ted! - But Stella's living in L.A. Now.
If she has it, it's buried in some storage unit.
She said I'd have to fly out there and look for it myself.
- Promise me you aren't about to do that. - I promise.
Sumbitch!
You better hope when Sweaty gets off that phone...
...he can get me on the next flight to New York.
Got the password from my mom. I'm gonna take that photo down.
I don't give a damn about your photo!
My daughter is giving a speech for the model U.N. At school.
I'm gonna miss it because of you.
[SIGHS]
Her father and I are separated. She lives with her dad.
And if I don't make it, she's never gonna trust me again.
- I'm so sorry. - Wow, that worked on you?
Let's hope Pit Stains is as dumb as you are.
Why was this so hard for my mom? All you do is you click the photo...
...then you click on... I don't see "Options."
- Just click on "Options." - But where is it?
- Just click on "Options." - Is it up in the toolbar?
- Click "Options." - It's not there!
Just click on "Options"!
[CELL PHONE RINGS]
Hi, Grandma. You can explain how Cousin Mitch is related to us?
- Explain, Grandma! Explain! - He married Barney's dad's cousin Renee...
...who he met selling Vachon cakes outside a curling bonspiel in Chicoutimi.
- English, Grandma! - On our side of the family...
...he was adopted because his real parents were eaten alive by their sled dogs?
That's awesome! Thanks, Grandma.
[BOTH SIGH THEN ROBIN CHUCKLES]
- So... - You and I share no DNA whatsoever.
Let's change that.
RANJIT: Don't hold back. This divider is totally soundproof.
Go all the way!
- Wait till the hotel? - Totally.
Hey, you know what? I'm not worried about a wild card at our wedding anymore.
Whether it's Uncle Vic, or Aunt Shelly or the ring bear.
Ring bearer.
Whether any of those mammals go rogue, our wedding is gonna be legendary.
No "wait for it"?
I've got you. I don't have to wait for it anymore.
[CELL PHONE RINGING]
[LINE RINGS]
It's a long story, but if we don't beat my friend to that wedding, it's gonna be bad.
This is too stressful. I need to see Marvin!
No. You made me promise not to let you look. It's gonna upset you.
Here, have another Sum... Bitch.
No more Sumbitches?
Give me the damn phone!
[BOTH YELL]
- Go to "Edit" on the toolbar! - No, "Account Settings!"
- Just click on "Options." - Stop!
It can't be done.
That photo is etched in eternity.
Long after humanity's reign has ended, the only traces of our civilization...
...found by Earth's new ape masters will be the top of the Statue of Liberty...
...and this photo of me pretending to be a judge with a banana gavel.
They'll probably like the banana thing. The ape masters.
Sorry.
Lily's gonna see it. We'll have the biggest fight of our lives.
Oh. I wish I could see your wife kick your ass.
I don't mean a physical fight. She's not an animal.
I'm sorry I tried to bite you.
I'm sorry I swatted you on the nose with a rolled-up magazine.
It's the only way I'll learn.
Look, I haven't seen my baby in a week.
You know what? Go for it.
It's gone. It's gone! You did it!
[GROUP CHEERING]
You did it! Ha-ha-ha!
- No new insulting Marvin photo. - Hm.
[VOICE BREAKING] No new insulting Marvin photo.
I know I'm just a stranger on a train who you tried to bite...
...but do you want a hug?
[CHATTERING]
[LILY YELLS]
Lily! What the hell?
Ted and I had some road-trip issues.
- Did he put on the gloves? LILY: Mm-hm.
The tackle was justified.
- What's this? - It's for you.
Don't open it.
With all the big changes coming up, I just wanted Robin to remember her friends.
We all want nothing but happiness for you and Barney. Right, Lily?
- Right. - Wow.
- That was what, eight years ago? - Yeah, eight years.
Thanks, Ted.
- I'm gonna get checked in. - Okay.
Marshall's flight just took off.
- My boys will be here soon! - Yay.
TED: Actually, Lily's boys were learning there was only one more flight to New York...
...with one seat left, all the way across the airport.
- You're not gonna tackle me again? - I'm the maid of honor.
There's a good chance that won't be my only tackle of the weekend.
TED: It wasn't.
Look, I'm sorry. I just got it in my head...
...that you somehow managed to track down that locket in Los Angeles...
...and were gonna blow up the wedding.
You really think I'm that crazy?
I guess that's fair.
Look, even though I was wrong...
...tell me you aren't thinking about doing anything insane this weekend.
Of course not.
And all I can say, kids, is at that moment, I really thought I meant it.
But the truth is...
...you never know who's gonna be the wild card at a wedding.
Hi. One ticket to Los Angeles, please.
Ripped By mstoll